Did you quit, or did you disengage? It’s maybe more than semantics.

 
We are all familiar with the story of the LIttle Red Engine faced with a seemingly insurmountable task to get up a big mountain, who does indeed achieve the goal. The story teaches us persistence and positive thinking are the keys to success. But is there a downside to persistence?
 
America’s almost mythical view of persistence is at least partly from it being a requirement for the early settlers to leave everything they knew behind for a long trip to an unknown land, survive the harsh New England winters, and explore westward through treacherous and sometimes hostile terrain.  The book, “Master the Art of Quitting: Why it Matters in Life, Love, and Work” by Peg Streep and Alan Bernstein © 2014 presents an interesting distinction between two thought processes of stopping: quitting (“I’m outta here because it’s hard”) and disengagement (“this isn’t leading to where I really want to be”). Its main concept is that disengagement frees the mind and spirit, allowing new goals to form, and stops what may have become a disheartening cycle of failure without goal achievement. The book covers many aspects of both quitting and disengagement concepts, with a plethora of workplace examples; however, some of the ideas are ones that I find interesting when I look back on raising a gifted child and some of his struggles and successes.
 
Manage Thoughts and Emotions
As almost all parents will say, being a parent is the most important role they will ever have. The impact of a supportive environment helps kids in every area, including this one.
Growing up in a warm,supportive environment is a strong indicator of someone’s ability to know when to switch gears, by helping children learn to manage the emotions transition often causes. 

Sometimes you have to walk away from what happened. Think about a situation that changed around you, that was out of your control, and made your current path no longer a good fit. Ruminating about something out of your control is not the same as reflecting on what happened and can be downright detrimental. Disengagement is a conscious, healthy choice to re-evaluate and head in a new direction and is a way to get control back over your own life.
 
Know Yourself
Encourage your child to know if the stress of a challenge energizes them or stops them in their tracks. The message should be: form goals based on what makes you feel positive about reaching them. Use an example. Let’s say you are assigned a task for which 85 percent of people who attempted it failed. What is your first reaction? Do you worry about the 85 percent or get thrilled by the challenge of being in the 15 percent?

Focus on a learning goal rather than a performance goal. This is a hard one for a lot of advanced learners, and it is completely understandable how achieving perfect grades can sometimes take precedence over gaining knowledge. In my experience, this is one of the most important areas for us as parents to focus our energy.

Goals are much more likely to be successful if they are not conflicting. You have to be willing to adjust your goals so that they accommodate priorities. It may take some hits and misses for your child to find their goals, and that’s OK.  Allow them to re-evaluate. If someone had told me 25 years ago what my career would be now, I never would have believed them because it is such a departure from what I had planned back then. That change came about primarily from unexpected opportunities and my own need to resolve conflicting goals.
 
Map your Goals and Own Them
We’ve all heard it, and it’s been proven time and time again: recording your goals helps clarify your thought process and makes your goals more concrete. It gives you an opportunity to work through articulating your goal and what steps you need to take to get there. An entire chapter in the book is devoted to a process to vet and develop goals. That level may not be necessary, but give adequate time and thought to defining goals. Remind your child their goals are theirs and no one else’s.
 
It’s often a fine line to find when it’s time to walk away from a situation or what you thought you wanted to do. It is also a learned skill, through life’s experiences. Encourage your child to learn from their own experiences, both good and bad. Did I give up too soon? Hung in there too long? Most adults have stories to tell when they stuck with something too long, as well as when they let go too easily. They’ll also have advice learned when all that was needed was a simple leap of faith. 
 
 
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Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why it Matters in Life, Love, and Work
by Peg Streep and Alan B. Bernstein Da Capo Press © 2014
 
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Mary Budde
WATG Treasurer