To Compete or Not to Compete? That is the Question

Our world is full of competitions; some of them are for adults, and some of them are for children. But all of them beg the question…”to compete or not to compete?”

Over the years I have witnessed or run many competitions – sports events, music events, math olympiads, science olympiads, national geographic bees, spelling bees, quiz bowl, writing contests…the list goes on and on. There has always been niggling doubt in the back of my mind…are these competitions a good idea or a bad idea? What are the benefits? What are the drawbacks? Is competition healthy or unhealthy for children in particular? How can we use competition as a growing tool for children (and adults)?

It is no secret that gifted children can often be very competitive. Some of them seem intrinsically competitive; others may be absorbing a competitive spirit from a treasured adult or adults, or from the pervasive competitive spirit they witness in the media. Competition is ubiquitous. If this is the case, then how can we help our kids handle both winning and losing, self-aggrandizement or self-doubt, both gracefully and with perspective?

Here are some things I’ve learned over the years:

• Children need to be taught that “life is like a baseball game; you win some, you lose some, and some get rained out.” Winning and losing competitions is part of life.
• Children need to be taught how to manage anxiety during competitions. Many are not equipped to deal with the nervousness that can occur before, during, and after competition. Using visualization techniques, breathing techniques, mantras, “shaking out the nerves,” finding a sympathetic eye in the audience, fine tuning attention and focus – all of these can and should be taught. Children can be taught the difference between “eustress” (the good stress that propels performance) and “distress” (the paralyzing form of stress). These are life skills, and will benefit children throughout their lives.
• Children must be taught how to be a good winner AND a good loser. They must be taught sportsmanship, whether on the field or in an academic setting. They need to be taught how to accept compliments (thank you will suffice), and how to give compliments to others. They should be taught to thank coaches who are guiding them. Conversely, they need to gracefully handle disappointment and loss, without criticizing or blaming. They need to learn to win and lose gracefully. This, too, is a life skill.
• Children must be coached on risk-taking. Sometimes children will not compete because they are afraid to lose. They need to understand that we grow best when we are challenged just a bit out of our comfort zone, and that it is normal to be worried about performance. The most important thing is that they took the challenge and gave it their best effort. There are many biographies and autobiographies of people who took risks and grew professionally and personally. Bibliotherapy is a great way to help children see the world through another’s lens.

Over the years I have also watched how adults handle children’s competitions, and I’ve seen great examples of adult support and not-so-great examples of adult support. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• Follow your child’s lead when attending competitions; sometimes children want you there, sometimes they don’t. Although it may be hard to understand, children often have reasons. Eventually those reasons will come out.
• Adults model behaviors for children. Coaches and parents/caregivers who are good role models will be realistic encouragers; they will meet the child where he/she is, both from a talent perspective and from an emotional perspective. They will refrain from over-praising and over-criticizing. They will model maturity and keep their emotions, ambitions, and words in check. Additionally, adults can help children process how professionals in the media handle competition. There are outstanding examples and poor examples; talking about this helps children understand what is right and good.
• The most heartwarming comment for a child to hear from a much-respected adult is, “I enjoyed watching you play” or “I enjoyed watching you compete.”  (Some of the research calls this the “grandma compliment” 😀.) When we put our hopes, dreams, and egos aside, we can give a child a genuine compliment whether they won or lost.
• Be sure to stress the “fun” over the outcome. Competitions can be nerve-wracking, but they can also be a lot of fun. Highlight the camaraderie, the teamwork, and the learning. Downplay the winning or losing.
• Finally, parents and caregivers can send a huge message to children when they thank the coaches, referees, or competition organizers for giving of their time and talent to help young people grow. Again, the young people are watching. Adults thanking adults for being good role models and good teachers supports the idea that competitions are designed to help us grow and that young people are worth our time and talent.

Wherever you stand on the idea of competition…to compete or not to compete…I hope you will consider these suggestions to make competition more meaningful for young people. In the process, you may sort out some of your feelings about competition, too.

Jackie Drummer, Past President and Current Board Advisor
WATG