Parenting Gifted Kids = All of the Emotions and Questions

It is my great privilege to work with parent groups and with families as they navigate the joys and challenges of raising gifted children. Without fail, at workshops and in coaching sessions, we often pass the kleenex because the task of parenting gifted kids, while full of joy and pride, can also be difficult and fraught with emotion. Many of the emotions, and the questions that go with them seem to be universal, and may present themselves at various points during the journey of parenting. One of the most important things we do is to reassure parents that they are not alone, and that other parents share these same emotions and questions.

While pondering this topic, I came across a blog that included a checklist of emotions, Gifted Challenges: Welcome to Gifted Parenting: A Checklist of Emotions by Dr. Gail Post, Clinical Psychologist, that helped me identify and group by “ages and stages” some of the most pressing issues and questions that parents of gifted children often share in our work together. I have chosen to “dig deeper” into each area, and to share the questions that most often come up when working with parents of gifted kids.

• The emotions and questions that accompany identification: My child is gifted?!?! What, exactly, is gifted? How can I find out if my suspicions are true? What tests are used? What does the data mean? What resources are available? Whom do I tell? How do I do that without seeming like I am bragging? Now what do I do about what I have found out?
• The emotions and questions surrounding your child’s well-being: Why doesn’t my child seem to fit in? How many friends should my child have? What if those friends are much older or much younger? Why does he seem to choose friends that are so much older or younger? Why does my child seem to have an unusual amount of energy? Why doesn’t she seem to sleep very much? Why is she so picky about clothes/food/textures/sounds/lights, etc? Why can’t my child be just “normal?” Why does my child seem so immature at times, and yet so mature at other times? Why does he always want to argue with me? Why does he win those arguments so often? (Insert knowing chuckle here…) Why does he seem depressed or anxious, or affected by stress and perfectionism? Why is she so concerned about the pain in the world?
• The emotions and questions dealing with appropriate challenge and education in school: How does the school identify gifted children? Should I use outside resources to identify? Is the school meeting my child’s needs? What is my recourse if the school is not meeting my child’s needs? What options are out there - what kinds of schools, programming, services? Which one of those would be the best match for my child? How can I advocate for my child without seeming pushy, or being perceived as a “stage parent”? Am I advocating enough for my child? Am I advocating too little for my child? Why do I have to work so hard to get my child an appropriate educational challenge? Am I alone out there? Where do I turn for help? Are there other parents like me? What can we do together to help our kids and ourselves?
• The emotions and questions linked to outside activities and multi-potentiality: How many activities should my child be involved in? What if she is interested in virtually everything? Should my child be encouraged to engage in an activity that is very difficult for him? When should he be allowed to quit? How much is too much for my child (and for the family)? How do I help my child wade through all of the possibilities that are beckoning her (various colleges and universities, majors, learning opportunities, etc.)? How do I help my child choose? What if things don’t work out? What if they do?
• The emotions and questions surrounding the future: Is my child all right? Should I seek extra help (counseling, testing, support)? Will my child ever fit in, find peers, have a social life that is fulfilling to him, get married, etc.? Will I have enough resources - time, energy, money, support - to help my child reach her potential? Is it ok to be totally amazed, joyful, and thankful for my life with my child? Is my job as a parent ever done - will I be helping my child navigate the world of being a gifted adult?

The questions and emotions are endless, and the angst and joy are real. Many families have found that reading widely helps answer their questions. One of my favorite sites for parents is The Parenting Link at hoagiesgifted.org. Additionally, many parents have found comfort in the book,  A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, which is used in SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) discussion groups. SENG discussion groups, and Parent to Parent: Sharing Your Wisdom workshops, such as those offered at the WATG Fall Conference October 3-4 in Wisconsin Dells, also provide parents with a community of ideas, resources, and reassurance.

Parenting is always full of joys and challenges. If you are reading this article, I want to assure you that you are doing a good job. Let’s encourage each other, talk to each other, and share what is working.

As always, I welcome your thoughts. Together we grow.

Jacquelyn Drummer, Past President, WATG

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